Wanderings of an idle mind

I had a great billion thoughts running through my relatively small head today, and it's again one of those times, where nothing might be wrong, but then I go and spoil it all! All, by being possessed by my thoughts.

Today I asked myself, what have you achieved? No, I'm not 80 years old, yet, the nagging thought of how I could have done so much with my life in the past few years, and I chose to let it slip away. I'm told it is human. Human to have something and want something completely different. That fire of ambition, which dissolves into nothingness when something else gets prioritized over the "current want".

It sounds like the feeling most people have at say, 30. When you look back and say "Gosh, I'm thirty. My life is finished." Call it premature mid-life-crisis, if you may!

When I was 18, I had a Bucket List of sorts, on which I wanted to check everything before I turned 30. A list compiled with great care of a teen having great grown up dreams. Now I have 8 years to go and with time, I've found that most things on my Bucket List are either ticked as "what-were-you-thinking" or "not-gonna-happen-ever". You'd say, create a new list then. And then I'd say "No but this is what I had planned and I have to make it happen somehow!!!"
Surely there must be some way? Some way that I can be both the 18year old and the 30year old. Where I can be a grown-up with big things to achieve, and still enjoy my pink cotton candy.
Ah, there it is - the cause of all evil - the mixed feeling of being (expected to) grow up and still be a little girl.
I do not recall having so much trouble transitioning into my teenage!

Still swinging between vagueness and complete consciousness.
Time it is then. To wait and see if my Bucket List does happen.

C'est la vie :) 

One of those times...

One of those times, when you feel lonely even in a crowd... When everything is fine, and you feel impending doom....  One of those, when as much as you wish it to just shut up, your mind takes on that nagging "Wait and Watch" tone.

Why do such days happen? Why is every bright sunny day threatened by the dark grey clouds? Ever noticed their hide-and-seek? Tough to say who is hiding from whom. Or is this just me, being me-in-one-of-those-days mood? Guess so!

Want to make wishes, but scared to jinx them by just wanting them bad enough. Want to walk that extra mile, but can't, fearing I'll be standing there all alone. Want to light that fire, but fear of burning my hand while lighting the wood keeps me from it.
Ah, there it is! "Fear"... that most dreaded word in the English language, as far as I go! "Foolish", "Eerie", "Arbitrary", "Roaming" of the mind. *sheepish grin*

Fear of the unknown is my greatest. It has its way of emptying me of all happiness, like the Harry Potter dementors suck out all feelings from people. Weird, since I love painting bright pictures for people around. Why can't I just make one for myself?My personal piece of rainbow, or something to that effect.

Thoughts have a way of complicating your life, don't they? Yet, they are a necessary evil. Can't seem to get much work done without "thoughts". No one complains when the thoughts are happy, do they?!

So for the moment, I shall have to believe that "bad thoughts" are required to make you realize how precious the "happy thoughts" are. :)

And yes, now for that mug of cocoa. :)

So long!

Say those unsaid words....

The cause of all our personal problems and nearly all the problems of the world can be summed up in a single word: Life. 

It's life. Which is why all of us, yes, each one of us, has experienced at least one day, if not more, where we begin to question the worthiness of our life, in entirety. We feel stuck, let-down, betrayed, unworthy, and a million other emotions that may not be done justice to by mere words. 
How many times have you told your confidante, "I hate my life." ? I, for one, am known to state and re-instate this line, every chance I get! And believe me when I say so, because there will be people waiting in a line to back me up on this one! We whine, complain, cry, crib and all the other what-nots. Does it make things better? I don't think so! If only crying would undo a bad score on a test, or revive a lost pet, or undo harsh words spoken! Wishful thinking!


Why is so-and-so more successful than I am? Why is she luckier than me? Why don't good things happen to me like the lady-next-door-who-won-a-prize? Why are we different? 


In our work and in our living, we must recognize that difference is a reason for celebration and growth, rather than a reason for destruction.

Why am I not appreciated for what I do, or what I am? 


Inevitable question. But an obvious answer. Do you? Do you appreciate others for the small little, insignificant, but meaningful and thoughtful things someone says or does? How many times has your smile been fake and filled with envy as you congratulate a colleague for a promotion you were hoping for? When was the last time you told your troublesome brat of a brother that no matter how many dolls of yours he has beheaded, you still love him? Did you stop to tell you Mom that you love her for the sumptuous meals she makes for you, even though you don't have time to sit with her and eat? 


We never do. We wait and wait, and finally it's too late. We don't have to wait until somebody has passed away before we tell them how much we love them? Why do we wait until someone's ears can't hear before we let them how much they mean to us? Why do we wait until it is too late before we recall the good qualities of a person? 


Do you love someone? Then tell them! Has someone been an influence in your life? Then give them a call! Has someone made a difference in your life? Then write them a letter or send them an email! Don't let another day go by without letting that person know. There is something special about a written letter that expresses feelings of love towards another. I don't know about you, but I have letters and cards from people that I have saved for years, and from time to time, I get them out and reread them. They can turn a depressing day into one where you realize just how blessed and loved you are.


Life is too short to leave kind words unsaid. The words you say, or the letter you write, might just make all the difference in the world.

Of Mangoes, Roses and Blooms

I knew something was wrong with my beloved mango tree in April. It was just like the last time, one day the tree smiles back at me, and the next, it's all withered. It did again... not only did it wither, it died.

I've been watching that tree like a hawk all these months, wondering if any of those mangoes would ripen, and if so, when. And then God sent me the answer. They wouldn't, He said: this tree is not for your garden. But don't lose heart, you shall find the right one soon. Maybe it won't be a mango, but all the same, do not despair, my child.

I knew there would eventually be a bad season and part of me is actually relieved to have it over with. And also to know that things will be back to normal next season. 

And sure enough, soon I woke up dreaming about roses. I got up had my first coffee and was still wondering what this was about roses. I get through the day as usual, and sometime during it, I read a magazine, and in it, I find an article with the title: Roses Will Bloom Again. It's something I'd like to share with you. 

Richard was sharing how he was going through the southwest and seen a desert rose, and it came to him in the form of God, who said the desert shall rejoice, and blossom as the rose. And he remembered that it takes God to put the bloom in the rose. But more than that, it takes God to change the desert of our lives for the roses to grow there. Then he moved on in the story about a man who was very sick and getting worse until came a day where his doctor seen his medicine was not working. In seeing that this doctor gave him a word of encouragement which later, this man rose from his death bed and was healed. Those words were,"Cheer up, the roses will bloom again." The story ends with that God is not through with ours lives. Roses will bloom again iin the desert of our lives. 

I know sometimes one feels like one's home is like an empty nest at times and life is like a dry barren desert, but the roses shall bloom once again.

That's how it shall be. Signs- that you would need to read from a different slant, Words- that you would need to interpret differently, and a whole lot of other things. And once you do, that's when you shall step out into your garden, and see the rose, blooming :)

On stepping into the twenties :)

Never felt a road as rocky or a fall as hard, wait, yes I have; which means I did it once, I can do it again. Things are never perfect but I like to look at a glass half full. My day-to-day motto is: step in shit, you’re bound to smell it. So I try to dodge shitty people, shitty situations, and shitty confrontations. I can say that I’ve definitely learned a lot, especially in this year of life. My teenaged days are something to only look back at and know that there where definitely good times and that those times supremely surpassed the bad. It is early twenties and very experimental, though  ‘they say’ that stage is typically in the teens, and by experimental I mean within myself; getting familiarized with who I am and who I will be shaped into for the rest on my life. Still breathing and realizing that I am never certain on what I want or who I truly am yet. I have tons of goals and and I’m trying to find ways to accomplish all of them. I guess the success of it all and being content, truly content in life, happens when you have everything all figured out…lets just say that I’m content knowing that I do not have it all figured out nor do I even know where I’m going or where I will end up. It’s like I’m walking the yellow brick road…the view is though is magnificent. 

A new one.

Well, it is for a "new one"... I am heading back to the daily hum-drum of life, after a long leisurely vacation and a relaxing time at home. And this time, the "me" who is going back is a happier, stronger and surer one. And of course, to a different "life" than the one I left behind. The new-ness of it all does give me those butterflies in the tummy!!

I am really looking forward to what is in store in life ahead, in the few months to come. Having decided to take it as it comes, I shall let the sweet things be cherished and the not-so-sweet ones be taken with a pinch of salt.

Leaving, with a new page for life to scribble its text on, and I can almost smell the fresh smell of the parchment :)

Still very much in love, with life, and with myself. :) :)

Smiles everyone's way.

Till next time.

Friends

Happy Friendship's Day!

Friends :) I identify with someone who said today that being an only child, my friendships have defined and completed me. This is true for me, not that I have many "true" friends. I have had friends all over the country, with Dad being in the Army and having travelled widely in the country. Yet, the lasting ones and the ones I cherish most, are few :)


Friends...came and went, some stayed for a while, and some forever. 
They all left a mark, some short-term, and others, lasting ones.


However today, when I stand and look back, I cherish the friendship I have with few special people...single digits to be precise. Why?? Because they were with me when I had no one, and they have been there to pick me up from the depths of despair every single time I tripped. And never have they said "I told you so". Ever.


What makes me happy today is that I know there are people out in this world, who I can bank on, and who shall vouch for me all the same. Very few, I agree, but nevertheless, they exist. And their existence is enough to make me smile on those days when the sun does not rise and shine for me. 


And today, I would want them to know that I love them with all my heart, and shall strive to be there for them all the way, in ways more than I could hope for, and that I cherish every single memory I have of them, and with them. Our bond is eternal. 


Love to all.